He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
You’ve just gotta love this message. Cute, full of wisdom, and much perspective.
How’s This For Nostalgia?
Do you remember when…..
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
And wore tennis shoes, not $200 Nike’s!
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn’t pay for air?
And, you got trading stamps to boot?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed…
When a 57 Chevy was everyone’s dream car…
to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races,
No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car, in the ignition,
Playing baseball with no adults to help kids
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger…
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing
Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And our summers were filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops,
and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say,
‘Yeah, I remember that’?
I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a
Double Dog Dare to pass it on…
To remember what a Double Dog Dare is, read on…
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere
between old enough to know better and too young to care.
Send this on to someone who can still remember Howdy Doody
and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger,
The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell ,
Roy and Dale,
Trigger and Buttermilk.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles…
Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes…
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, ‘Do Over!’?
It wasn’t odd to have two or three ‘Best
If you can remember most or all of these,
Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “You religious nuts!”
From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…
Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks,
“Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay………Bridge Out?”
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills
on the table and take out the garbage first..
But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember
who the heck I’ve sent it to.
Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH…
Dog Gone (Click to view this video)
A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn’t want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!
The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.
The man replied, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner said, “How about a cat?”
The man replied, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”
The man said, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”
Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and… it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.
He then said to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered.
The man thought to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later… still no centipede! He couldn’t imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede?
So he went to the front door, opened it … and there was the centipede sitting right outside.
The man said, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”
|A Rare Book|
collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!”
“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”
Shot my first turkey yesterday. Scared everyone in the frozen food section… It was awesome !!!
At New York’s Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed”, the Attorney General said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like “x” and “y”, and, although they are frequently referred to as “unknowns”, we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
“As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle.” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”
The following is seen in a Florida newspaper:
Ever had a day like this?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says………………
“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”