Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Do you remember when? If you don’t, you missed a lot!

How’s This For Nostalgia?

Do you remember when…..

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

And wore tennis shoes, not $200 Nike’s!

It took three minutes for the TV to warm up?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?


When a quarter was a decent allowance?


You’d reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,

without asking, all for free, every time?

And you didn’t pay for air?

And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner

at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed…

and they did it!

When a 57 Chevy was everyone’s dream car…

to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races,

and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were

because they were always in the car, in the ignition,

and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends… and saying things like, ‘That cloud looks like a… ‘?

Playing baseball with no adults to help kids

with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals

because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger…


And with all our progress, don’t you just wish, just once,

you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,

and share it with the children of today.

When being sent to the principal’s office was nothing

compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives,

but it wasn’t because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!

But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

And our summers were filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops,

and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Didn’t that feel good, just to go back and say,

‘Yeah, I remember that’?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a

Double Dog Dare to pass it on…

To remember what a Double Dog Dare is, read on…

And remember that the perfect age is somewhere

between old enough to know better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can still remember Howdy Doody

and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger,

The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell ,

Roy and Dale,

Trigger and Buttermilk.



How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Candy cigarettes…

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside…

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles…

Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes…

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum…

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers…

Newsreels before the movie…

Telephone numbers with a word prefix…( Yukon 2-601). Party lines…

Peashooters…

Hi-Fi’s & 45 RPM records…

78 RPM records…

Mimeograph paper…

The Fort Apache Play Set…

Do You Remember a Time When Decisions were made by going…
‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, ‘Do Over!’?

‘Race issue’ meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening?

It wasn’t odd to have two or three ‘Best
Friends’…

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot?

Saturday morning cartoons weren’t 30-minute commercials for action figures?

‘Oly-oly-oxen-free’ made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these,

Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their

‘Grown-Up’ Life..

I Double-Dog-Dare-Ya!

Cajun Sign — When Reality Sucks, Add Humor

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.  
They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:
Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef ‘Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “You religious nuts!”

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash…

Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks,

“Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay………Bridge Out?”

A.A.A.D.D. (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder)

A.A.A.D.D..

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.   

As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills

back

on the table and take out the garbage first..

But then I think,

since I’m going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the

can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the   Pepsi  aside

so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I’ll be looking for

the remote,

but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I’ll   water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn’t washed

the bills aren’t paid

there is a warm can of

Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don’t have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,

and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,

and I’ll try to get some help for it,

but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.

Forward this message to everyone you know,

because I don’t remember

who the heck I’ve sent it to.

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

Things I learned living in the South

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH…
 
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
 
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
 
There are 10,000 types of spiders..
All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
 
If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
 
Onced and Twiced are words.
 
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
 
Jawl-P? Means, Did you all go to the bathroom?
 
People actually grow, eat and like okra.
 
Fixinto is one word. It means I’m going to do that.
 
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there’s supper.
 
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.
We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
 
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
 
The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
 
You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is,
you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
 
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
 
Ya’ll is singular. All ya’ll is plural.
 
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
 
You carry jumper cables in your car – for your OWN car.
 
You only own six spices: salt, pepper, garlic, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.
 
The local papers cover national and international news on one page,
but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.
 
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
 
You know what a hissyfit is.
 
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
 
We don’t need no dang Driver’s Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
 
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends
and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
 
Nuff sed!

The Amazing Pet

A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet. But, he didn’t want your ordinary, garden variety pet! No, he wanted a pet that could do everything!

The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.

The man replied, “Come on, a dog?”

The owner said, “How about a cat?”

The man replied, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The shop owner thought for a minute, then said, “I’ve got it! A centipede!”

The man said, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” So he got the centipede home and said to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.”

Thirty minutes later, he walked into the kitchen and… it was immaculate! All the dishes and silverware were washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He was absolutely amazed.

He then said to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walked into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered.

The man thought to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”

Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.”

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.

By this point the man was wondering what was going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.

45 minutes later… still no centipede! He couldn’t imagine what had happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was that centipede?

So he went to the front door, opened it … and there was the centipede sitting right outside.

The man said, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What happened?!”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Animals/The_Amazing_Pet.shtml

A Rare Book

 A Rare Book 

A

collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”

Implements of Math Destruction

At New York’s Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed”, the Attorney General said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like “x” and “y”, and, although they are frequently referred to as “unknowns”, we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

“As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle.” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

 

 

http://www.jokesclean.com/

A Really Bad Day

The following is seen in a Florida newspaper:
Ever had a day like this?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.

http://www.jokesclean.com/

The dachshund in the jungle

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says………………

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

 

 

http://www.jokesclean.com/